Getting a baby is great – but reality has little to do with the cuddly mummy-child romance that you might expect.
Anyone who has ever had a child knows: The experience is unique. But also painful, stressful and totally crazy – especially after. Blogger Bekki Pope from England wrote down on Facebook these 20 things she would never have expected before delivery – and speaks to all mothers from the heart!
We have translated their findings for you:
1. The after-pains
Pain. After. Who would have thought that? When God invented the women so that they could have the children, he really pulled us over the table.
2. Your first pee
Take a big mug with you and tip it over your genitals as if you are applying for the lead role in a totally disturbing porn. It helps.
3. Your first time “big”
No panic. You do not get another baby , it just feels that way. Just remember the size of the thing you got out the front, then the idea of what’s out the back is not that bad anymore. You will not drop your butt. Or maybe yes. Namely, if you have hemorrhoids. Which is likely.
4. Your child looks strange.
So … really strange. Other people will say to you, “Oh, how sweet / What a beautiful baby” and stuff, and you’ll accept their opinion. But for you, the baby will look like a hairless, purple tarnished grandpa, sticking the still dried blood and skin residue in the wrinkled face.
5. Below, they look totally absurd
You’ll be a little worried about what your life will look like if it all stays down there. The little boys’ testicles are as big as a bag of walnut chocolates at birth. But her little penises are as tiny as the walnut splinters on top, which nobody really likes. Apparently, this will soon subside again. But if not, be glad that your son will have nicknames like “Eiermann” at school.
6. Your first kaka is not a real kaka
It is tar. The midwives sneak into the room at night, fill up your baby’s diaper with syrup and see if you can clean it up again, or if you look at Google “Why are diapers smeared with balsamic glue at the factory?” eintippst.
7. Your first shower will be like a scene from a horror movie
That is normal. It may seem as if nothing will ever feel normal again, and as if you had to go the rest of your life like John Wayne, and that may actually happen, but you feel better after the shower. You literally wash away all sins (ie if the child is illegitimate …)
8. Midwives like babies
They will come by and take yours without warning. They will press their genitals, massage their bellies until they have a bowel movement, and play around with their faces so much that it looks like Botox has come afterwards.
9. Your baby hates you
It does not cry. It communicates with its master – the devil – how well its plan to destroy you is progressing. Seriously – it does not really hate you, of course. It may look as though it never cries when someone else is holding it or because it’s fun to keep you busy all night – but really, it depends so much on you that it does already embarrassing. Human babies are embarrassed.
10. You will use the word “dock” more often than ever in your life
And the idea that a small person casually sucks on your nipple, suddenly becomes a reality. At this moment you will finally feel like a real, decent mother. And like a cow.
11. There are people in the clinic who smell your weakness
They’ll take pictures of your baby looking cute and then deduct one million pounds for it. You will browse through the 50 photos you have taken of your baby in the same pose and ask you to pick your favorite one. And if you have a partner like me, you’ll have to take out a new mortgage on your house afterwards.
12. The hospital lunch is for a good reason so bad
This is so that people prefer to go home with pain than to have to eat “peach with pudding” once more. The pudding is hot pee with a splash of breast milk, and the peaches are human body parts that have been soaked overnight in sugar. And do not touch the Mousse au Chocolat! Just leave it!
13. It fumbles
It belches. It gets hiccups. It makes such strange noises in your sleep that you think Chucky the killer doll is sitting in the cradle, with a spinning head and a devilish laugh. You hope that other people know that it’s the baby, not yourself. Not that you would know for yourself if you fart. Your butt sphincter is just a bit out of action.
14. All the people you know will want to visit you in the hospital
People find hospital visits exaggeratedly exciting. They feel like VIPs when they enter the nursery. The real VIP is you, the “very-in-pain” person. You feel like death and look that way. So you only receive visitors if you can stand it. You’re still so drugged that conversing with other grown-ups is like sifting flour in a fishing net: you’re getting everything out of you, and no shit is stopped by anything.
For the matching greeting cards we have here some quotes to the birth .
15. Your stomach looks like a balloon now
A balloon that runs out of air, and therefore pities itself. If you press him, you find that he is a great trampoline for mice. Or that he could become a great mandarin jelly for the hospital kitchen, if you just cut him off.
16. They will tell you that you need contraceptives immediately
Countless midwives will come and tell you how fertile you are, and how likely it is that you will get pregnant again. However, they overlook a very important point: that you will never have sex again. You never want to see a penis again. And if anyone should approach you, you will destroy him immediately on behalf of all the women in the world. The End.
17. Everyone is angry
Your brain is angry, your eyes are sour, your stomach, your bladder, your butt. Your vagina is not angry, it is furious. Give her some time to calm down, but right now you two are not really friends.
18. Everyone will ask if you already produce milk.
You’re half expecting someone in a milk cart costume to pop in on the door and stay with you forever, to give you and your baby new milk whenever you need it. That does not happen. In fact, after three days, your breasts will start to leak as if they have forgotten that they are actually breasts, and not lawn sprinklers. You do not know who, but they probably water a park with the amount they raid.
19. They want you to go home as soon as possible
You’re blocking valuable bed space, and now you’ve released your small, stinking bunch of people, they’ve made it clear that everything is okay, and you did not give birth to any living Picasso painting – so you can get away. Do not do that. Not until you’re really ready. Take every tip and help before you go home. Because once you’re at home, your baby expects you to know exactly what you are doing. And then you wish you had stayed in the hospital. And if only to delay the nervousness with the car seat a little longer ..
20. Stop worrying!
You are not a super woman. Something like “normal” does not exist, just as little as “perfect”. You are what is normal for your baby. You are what is perfect for your baby. They do not judge you. They are totally dependent on you, and having that responsibility for another person is no picnic. It’s more like an outcry like, “Oh my god, I can never do that!” But you can do it. And it will be a little easier every day. Just take a deep breath, Mom!
You have just given birth to a human. There is nothing you can not do!
Unfortunately, you can never do that again.