No mother, no father passes it: a tantrum of oh so sweet offspring. It is screamed, hewn, cried – mostly for no apparent reason. What to do in this dilemma?
The buttered bread is not in the right shape, the milk is not white enough, the biscuit is not as crispy as usual. For many toddlers, these are the reasons for a rage. They romp, beat each other, cry loudly. And the parents? They feel helpless at the fury of their favorite.
What to do if the child goes crazy? Rule number one: Do not panic . The defiance phase makes (almost) every child through. As a parent, you are not “guilty” about it and did not do anything wrong. Now it’s time to take a deep breath. Above all, between the ages of two and four years, being angry is part of the development of your child.
Why is my child having a rage?
Toddlers gradually notice that they are independent beings. Once that’s the case, they begin to unsubscribe, testing their limits . Unfortunately, they are not yet able to verbally express this need. The result: misunderstandings between children and parents and the desperate outburst of anger of the child – form of his need for communication.
What the child needs most now is safety. It has to feel that it is loved even when it disagrees with its parents or siblings. Parents should always keep in mind that the outburst of rage is not directed against them personally. The outburst of rage serves the child only as a way of communicating, because he lacks the right words.
Here it is important to confront the child with understanding . It does not throw the new sneakers out of malice through the room – but presumably because it has failed in tying. When they are between two and four years old, children want to take more and more things into their own hands and tackle challenges on their own. If they fail, they are disappointed, frustrated, angry with God and the world.
Comfort, wait, take the child seriously
What to do in this situation? Correct: comfort, wait until it has calmed down – and then try again with the child shoe-binding. Accompanied by motivating words, how well the child gets it now, the whim will certainly brighten up again – both with the child and with mom and / or dad.
But what about situations like the nagging kid in the grocery store who desperately wants the sweets they banned? With every “no” it starts harder to rage and scream. What to do? Do not give in, experts advise. Parents should remain consistent in such cases, otherwise they run the risk that their child learns to successfully reach his goal with such a tantrum .
But how best to react to a tantrum of the child? The best expert tips at a glance:
- The best reaction to anger: serenity! Staying relaxed, demonstrating calm and patiently waiting – that’s the best way to counter the defiance. Specifically, this means: If the child gets a tantrum in public, you should go with him into a quieter room. That alone helps the child to calm down.
- Take the feelings of the child seriously. To dismiss it as “nonsensical” or “illogical” would be a gross mistake. Every emotion has its justification – no matter what the age. Most importantly, after a tantrum, the child’s need for affection is strongest. Give it the attention and love it needs now.
- Establish clear rules! Every child needs rules that make living together easier. The rule is: Prefer less clear rules than many rules. The few prohibitions should then be followed consistently. Better than long lectures are short, concise and easy-to-understand phrases.
- When the child starts to kick, kick, and become palpable, only one thing helps: A loud “no,” look him in the eye and hold his arms. Important for parents to know: The punches and kicks should never be taken in person. Always remember that a tantrum is a kind of exceptional situation.
- Give the child independence and it will not whine! In fact, it helps to give the child a task in the supermarket (for example, ask them to put the item out of the shopping cart on the cash register tape) in order to distract it from the sweets on the edge. Children want to be active and participate in the daily lives of their parents.
- Get your child used to an emerging change. Meaning: If the child plays in the playground, do not abruptly end the playing time, but 15 minutes before say: “We’ll go in 15 minutes.” Then again, if ten minutes are left and then five minutes. So the child is not taken by surprise by the change. Important: If the 15 expired, you should consistently go with the child.
- Always remember that both the child’s defiance reaction and its own emerging anger are natural feelings. Conflicts are part of life – between young and old, big and small. What you should absolutely avoid: devalue the child, threaten him, turn away from him or be vindictive. It is better to see the quarrel as an opportunity to teach the child how to compromise.
Tantrum while playing
By the way: If the child gets a tantrum during play, say because it loses, the same rule applies: stay calm! It is normal. The child must first learn to develop frustration tolerance. The absolute wrong approach would be to let the child win. This only gives him the opportunity to develop his ability to deal with frustration.
“My child was never in a defiance phase, I was spared!” Are you familiar with that? Unfortunately, there is no reason to be happy. Often, children who skip the toddler defiance phase, the attempt to get rid of the enrollment all the more violent. At least now they want to be independent and free – but at the same time be protected by the parents. Again, it is important to have strong nerves and always breathe deeply …