Even though the Gottschalks have separated after more than 40 years of marriage and thus shaken some beliefs in lifelong love: it is possible the happy relationship for life. Couple therapist Eric Hegmann reveals what’s needed.
Yes, yes, the Gottschalk separation. It has probably shaken most of us, including the worldview and beliefs deeply. For if, after 42 years, countless memories, ups, downs and straights, you can still decide to say goodbye, can you ever be sure that you have found your partner for life? Or maybe it’s not that good to be sure? Because then you automatically stop trying and working on the relationship?
We asked the Hamburg couple therapist Eric Hegmann if we could do anything – maybe even in relationship year 1, 2 and 3 – so that we do not suddenly realize after 40 years: “Okay, the next 30 I prefer to go without you. .. “His answer was to our taste: we can! Here are his best tips for long-term stable relationships.
7 expert tips for a happy relationship – even after 40+ years
1. Find the individual balance
“The longer the relationship lasts, the less – statistically – the risk of separation Decisive for a stable partnership is the feeling of treating each other fairly .” Conflicts must be solved in such a way that nobody feels permanently over-advantaged , otherwise the middle- and long-term It’s not so much about role understanding: many couples feel comfortable in a dynamic that gives one person more leadership than the other, which is a matter of partner negotiation and individual needs. The relationship then gets out of balance, one partner has the impression of being exploited in any way. “
2. Make new experiences together
“When the relationship is in balance, what we experience together is more valuable than a few short, bad moments that always go with it, so it’s important to not only focus on the proven, but also try out new things that come together because of our shared experience as a couple security and routine to solve conflicts, you just know: we do not get off track so fast, this peace and serenity is expressed in the feeling that we belong together and have arrived, and that the couple is a team can rely on each other. “
3. Facing communication
“The key to a happy relationship is attachment, a sense of interconnectedness, while bonding is strengthened through facing communication, weakened by remote (or even neutral) communication .
You go for a walk and you are cold. Not only does your partner notice that, he also suggests going to the nearest café and inviting you to a hot drink.
This is facing communication: attentive, creative and caring.
Indifferent communication would be if you had to say you are cold, and he answers, “Yeah, pretty fresh today.” And pejorative, averted communication would be, he would say, “Why did not you wear something warmer?”
However, facing communication does not always have to be in words, we also communicate non-verbally. With a simple “Look!” Do not you just say that you have noticed something that you suspect your partner wants to see? You also express that you want to share with your partner a moment, an experience. Anyone who has children knows these moments when the little ones pull on their sleeves to show something: they are looking for bonding. In love relationships, we never get really old – but remain children . “
4. Learn languages of love
“Praise and appreciation, gifts, togetherness, helpfulness and tenderness are the universal 5 languages of love, find out what language your partner is talking about and what makes you happy, then do not talk past each other.”
5. Accept that most conflicts are not solvable
“About 70 percent of all pair conflicts are not resolved by a compromise that could satisfy both partners equally, but the problem is that the partners lose the optimism in the relationship in the medium and long term because of the compromise, because the impression is strengthened: me Never get what I want , so bartering is so important: once one person , another can fulfill his wishes, the relationship satisfaction increases significantly . “
6. Rightly arguing
“A good handling of conflict of conscious will is part of the de-escalation you feel while churned up, furious, attacked and injured -.. But you’re not injured animal, which was driven into a corner and has to defend tooth and nail because the The person who creates all these feelings in you is the person you love , and we should also try to make that clear in moments when our body is affected by attack and escape reflexes that were evolutionarily important, but in a couple relationship especially cause great damage. “ (How important it is also to argue on equal terms , you will find in our article)
7. Be prepared to work on the relationship
“Yes, being forever happily in love is possible, but it is not easy, because it does not happen by itself.” A happy relationship requires work, true love is a decision, a consequence that requires trust and courage. “
You want to know everything even more exactly? Or do you have further questions that are burning under your nails? Eric Hegmann’s website offers an extensive selection of online courses and coaching offers .
And if you want to share your relationship or dating experience with others, just have a look around our community !
Video tip: 7 signs of true love
Hamburg-based couple therapist and relationship expert Eric Hegmann supports singles and couples on topics such as conflict resolution, couple dynamics, dating and dating.