The feeling of falling in love is simply mind-boggling, the path to it highly complex: whether it works or not depends on a lot of unwritten laws.
Being in love is pretty much the nicest thing there is. Even though love certainly has its downside (who wants to go through a breakup, to treat an infidelity or to have lovesickness?), The beautiful things of the highest feeling in the world predominate. Tingling in the stomach , pink infatuation, the first sex with the beloved … all this creates a unique state of emergency. When the oxytocin and serotonin levels rise, the whole world seems to be a paradise – or the cloud seven.
Diagnosis: in love!
But how does being in love actually work? Does it always run the same? Did you first fall in love and then fall in love? What feelings do you feel in the body when you’re in love? How does one recognize that a man is the right person for a solid partnership – and he reciprocates his own feelings? Is jealousy automatically a sign of love? There are so many questions around the things of being in love that you can not even clear them all. But we have collected the most important laws of elation. This is the way to get to know each other and to be in love – here comes the “5 Laws of Love”.
§ 1 Love is waiting on the doorstep
If you want to kill a deer you have to go to the forest. Meaning: If you want to fall in love, you should spend as much time as possible among people . This is how it used to be before the Internet made it possible to go on a partner stalk with greasy hair and an algae mask on the face. And so it seems – despite the increasing popularity of online dating – still to be. Nowadays, it’s not unusual to spend the lunch break assisting his single colleague in assessing male profiles. It certainly can not hurt to look for happiness in the net. (see also § 4, paragraph 3).
§ 2 Immediately in love? Relationships begin at a glance
If you are looking for a partner, you are looking for a person who loves him – not only because, but even though he knows him through and through. To show who and how we are, we have to tell about ourselves. To be able to tell, we have to be asked. To be asked, we need to attract attention.
Does the other person qualify as a sexual partner?
The greatest attention in the opposite sex – in this respect, the research results are no false consideration – excite women whose appearance suggests maximum fertility and healthy genetic material, so if they are young and beautiful. Within ten seconds, the Viennese evolutionary biologist Karl Grammer found out, man and woman decide unconsciously and solely on the basis of external characteristics whether the other person is a sexual partner. Before a man looks into the heart of a woman, he looks at her breasts. The firmer the bosom, the more men will be willing to mate with her – thus giving her the opportunity to bring his heart and brain closer to him. Only when contacting via the Internet, the exterior initially does not matter (see § 4, paragraph 1).
Beauty is not everything!
Youth and beauty are a competitive advantage, they are not the guarantee of a successful relationship. Conversely, even those who are neither beautiful nor young, have a good chance of happiness .
Every Jack has his Jill
Like every market, the relationship market works according to the principle of supply and demand: Beauty is a rare and therefore precious currency. It is preferably exchanged by women for wealth and / or social status (see § 3, paragraph 1). The result is: From the construction worker to the bank employee to the ex-Chancellor, all types are on Scarlett Johansson . But Scarlett does not care about construction and banking workers, not even Gerhard Schröder. Such average types leave them to the average women. And we average people can trade among themselves at a significantly lower price level than Hollywood stars, supermodels, pop singers and top athletes: There are potential partners even for the darkest mouse – assuming she has not put in the head, necessarily to marry a CEO.
Desire is not the same as love
Physical attractiveness is no less, but no more than a bait with which nature lures people into the trap of desire. Whether love becomes infatuation and love falls in love, properties that are independent of appearance decide on it. In males, a masculine, striking appearance even points to the threat of conflicting relationships : a high level of testosterone and thus an increased tendency to alienation. Research shows that today’s women prefer partners with softer facial features – if they are looking for a life partner.
How do you flirt properly?
Once you have been perceived, it is important to increase interest with verbal and non-verbal means under all circumstances: this process is called flirting.
- The face-to-face flirt: eye contact, laughter, open body language, no heavy-handed approach, making credible compliments, emphasizing matches, asking questions instead of holding monologues over their own merits. Only then does the other reveal everything worth knowing what you need for a potential partnership.
- The e-mail flirt: It eliminates the non-verbal signals. Beware, the anonymity of the Internet can lead to reveal intimacy faster than in personal contact (see § 4, paragraph 2): Too rapid openness may overwhelm the flirting partner or takes the e-mail flirting tension.
The first date – which topics are taboo?
The result of a successful flirt is the date. If you already know each other personally, and know what the other looks like and what charisma he has, you will try to quickly start the so-called “intensive conversation”. A safer way of avoiding having to meet the other one is this phrase: “My ex-boyfriend thought I was too fat, but I was born in late July, so a lion, I’m pretty self-confident are my varicose veins. “ The following topics are taboo at the first meeting: the or the Ex, diseases and weight problems. And after all, every tenth man starts on the subject of “Zodiac”, to search inside the distance.
The pitfalls of online dating
When two e-mail flirting partners meet for the first time, it’s particularly exciting: the deeper the written exchange, the greater the potential for disillusionment. It is guaranteed to be uncomfortable if the photo you sent was 20 years old. Better, if you do not beautify anything from the beginning , take a shower before first-contact and get something clean: Overweight and an unkempt appearance spoiled the first meeting for more than 50 percent of men, according to a Parship survey. The majority of women – especially the Bavarian women are tolerant in this regard – could forgive the date partner a beer belly, but no dark edges under the fingernails, greasy pants and sweaty stinky shirts. And for almost 62 percent, it means the off, when the man gets drunk at the first meeting. Maybe it is because it offends us when a man escapes into an alcohol frenzy in our presence: British researchers have proven that fallen drunks find their counterpart beautiful, even if it is actually not very attractive.
But even if they both look as good and neat as they hoped online, the first date can become a flop: a gold chain hides under his collar, an erotic shop bonus point card falls from his wallet, he talks too much about computer problems or too little of itself – or it is simply the chemistry that is not right (see § 3, paragraph 2).
§ 3 Gleich and Gleich like to fall in love
What qualities does a man have to have in order to be attractive? Social scientists at the Catholic University of Eichstätt asked this question to 700 participants: Among the men surveyed, a clear majority believed that women were leaving academics with a lot of money. Among the women themselves, it was only a minority that said high income and a university degree were sexy. The men obviously know us better than we do. Numerous studies have shown that while women’s looks are crucial, even well-paid women still prefer “financially secure men with high status,” according to social psychologist Manfred Hassbrauck of the university Wuppertal.
Women over 40 have a hard time
One reason why highly qualified women over 40 in Germany belong to the most difficult to place single people. Successful women want a man who is socially at least equal, if not superior, to them: If you are only looking “upwards” in your search, the pool of candidates shrinks – especially if the decisive matchmaker disputes are almost as good as in the early forties have gone. Even among men, unlike in the past, only one in five marry “down,” said Bamberger sociology professor Hans-Peter Bloßfeld. However, 60 percent of male singles want a partner who does not make a career the center of their lives. Men and women are becoming more and more picky, and they often hesitate until there is not much choice left.
If he has money, he is desired!
If women listened to divorce researchers, they put more emphasis on education in men than on salary: the more educated the man, the lower the risk of divorce. But the better he earns, the more likely he will one day dodge another. Wives are not the only ones who find money sexy.
What’s up with this “chemistry”?
Many people seem to fit together well, but they still do not fall in love. The fact that it sparks between some and not between others, explains the US anthropologist Helen Fisher so: The chemistry is to blame. More precisely: biochemistry. The personality of a person is 50 percent innate and is characterized by individually different biochemical processes. According to Fisher’s thesis, one can differentiate between four types of personality, to each of which a particularly active hormone system can be assigned.
While it is true, Fisher said, that we are looking for the closest possible match between ourselves and our partner in terms of social background. But as far as the hormonal personality is concerned, we were attracted to those people who have a different, complementary biochemical profile. Since 2005, Fisher has been a scientific advisor to the US platform chemistry.com: the world’s first and only online partnership exchange, which uses a questionnaire to determine the biochemical profile of its members.
How can I tell if I’m in love?
Classic symptoms of falling in love: inner restlessness, energetic, increased sweating, tingling, increased sexual desire. Being in love is a 18 to 36 months lasting condition that binds man and woman together to ensure the optimal breeding of the offspring during the first sensitive years of life. Being in love is caused by a high concentration of the hormones dopamine and norepinephrine and a low serotonin level.
Can I help my feelings on the jumps?
Those who want to fall in love should activate their dopamine release. Helen Fisher advises to do exciting, perhaps even risky things with the potential partner. But above all, sex raises the mirror. So beware: never sleep with someone or jump a parachute you do not want to fall in love with.
Lust, infatuation and love are caused by different hormone combinations. Each state is assigned a different brain circuit, the circuits can work independently and in parallel: Therefore, it is possible to love at the same time and to be in love with someone else.
§ 4 Fast meetings prevent frustration
In real life, we use our sensory organs to check the other for the greatest possible agreement with us. His clothes, his language, his aftershave, his way of walking, the car he drives – from all these impressions we derive whether someone suits us or not. We use the mouse on the Internet: We click on characteristics, educational qualifications, hobbies and preferences that describe us aptly. We determine age ranges, living conditions and body sizes that we wish for each other. One and the other: a dragnet.
What are the benefits of Internet flirting?
There are still differences, positive and negative. The most comprehensive study on dating on the Internet dates back to 2003, conducted by scientists from the Sociological Institute of the University of Zurich. The researchers asked a good 4,100 members of the Swiss partner portal PartnerWinner.de, among other things, about the advantages of the online dating service. The most frequently mentioned points: “anonymity”, “less inhibitions”, “non-binding contacts”. The statement that the Internet offers those who “struggle to reach out to others in real life” a chance, agreed to over 70 percent.
Go online – and be happy!
It does not matter if you are shy, stutter or consider yourself unattractive: unlike the traditional get-together, you can avoid it on the internet, first and foremost for a superficial external impression. New York social psychologist Katelyn McKenna found that Internet relationships are more enduring than other relationships . Anyone looking for a partner online, so their conclusion, do not fall for externals and take time to really get to know the other. McKenna’s research also revealed that what people describe as their “true self” is easier to express in email contact with strangers than in direct conversation.
They present themselves more modestly than people who are personally known to them. And who knows, maybe one is even one of the lucky ones who conquer the heart of another in writing: 12 percent of Swiss study participants who had found a relationship through PartnerWinner.ch, said, even before the first date by e-mail to have fallen in love. If his eyes are already hormone-fogged before the first meeting, he will probably not notice a crooked nose, big ears and thin, hairless hair.
Multiflirters – they are everywhere!
And if so? Anyone looking for love on the Internet needs a thick coat. Parship .de interviewed just under 850 members and found out: 70 percent are so-called “multi-flirts”, so flirt simultaneously with several. Up to five contacts at once, according to the multi-flirting experience, were “quite good”. When it comes to online dating, efficiency is more important than the romantic ideal – at least at the starting line. And if you’re not ahead of the game, you have to expect to be rudely knocked out of the race: The anonymity of the network mitigates any kind of inhibitions – even those who reject applicants without any problems, as soon as something better has been found. One click, and the message is clear: Get out of my life!
If the contact is locked after an endless e-mail change, hope.de can quickly become the source of despair: “It has been clearly confirmed that relationships built up on the internet are as real as conventional relationships, as they are initially pure.” It is not easy to leave virtual ‘nature behind’ to become an indispensable part of real life, ‘ according to the Zurich sociologists. Even if it comes to a meeting, one must expect that the disappointment is great. The other one is not as great as I thought. The other does not like me as much as I hoped.
Better arrange a meeting quickly
Love expert Helen Fisher (see § 3, paragraph 3) advises on chemistry.com to meet e-mail partners face to face as soon as possible: “Research has shown that the likelihood of getting a bull’s eye hit when you finally get it The shorter the change of e-mail that preceded this meeting, the less we see it, so we encourage people to meet as soon as possible, so expectations are not so high disappointed, if there is nothing – and if there is something, you can start with it faster, to advertise the other. “
There is also this: people who get a fake identity and engage other users in hot, but hopeless email flirts on love portals. 13 percent of all men who work on single platforms are so-called “fakes”, according to psychologist Felicitas Heyne. “What women should look out for online dating,” says Heyne in her weblog (www.gooload.de/tag/Liebe). Another risk is the online dating addiction: Who spends more hours over a longer period, to flirt on the net, instead of real people, should worry.
§ 5 Every love needs a myth
Whether we got to know our partner online or offline, whether it was love at first sight or slow approaching, each couple’s acquaintance story is of great importance to their shared future. “In the past, marriages were based on social norms and economic necessities, today on love, and that requires explanation,” said Heidelberg-based physician and psychotherapist Arnold Retzer. “Love myth” Retzer calls the memory of the first days, weeks and months in which two people became a couple: He sets – as any other origin myth – the connection between the present and the past.
Why he – and no one else?
On the one hand, the myth of love serves to make the relational presence meaningful, meaningful, to be intentional by fate. Remembering how unique, beautiful and exciting our love began years ago helps to answer the question: Why did I, of all people, have two children with this man and bought a terraced house?
On the other hand, the love myth helps to question the relational presence by remembering what dreams and hopes you had: Once upon a time, our love was unique, beautiful, and exciting – what happened to it?
Both functions are extremely helpful, says Retzer: The one, because it consolidates the relationship. The other, because it could give the crucial impetus to change a partnership for the better. On the other hand, it could be bad for couples who can not remember or want to remember how it started between them. Because with a myth usually also dies, what he tells: the love.
So, tell me, how was it with you then?
Here you can find a partner with BRIGITTE.de and Parship. (Display)
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