She had wanted a child so much. Franziska Ferber had to give up her desire to have children. Here she talks about her way of dealing with the associated doubts.
“For most people in our country, getting a child and starting a family is ‘normal’, but for the unintentionally childless , that is anything but normal, on the contrary, it is a deep longing that drives them and every low blow brings the foundations – and finally also the self-confidence – more and more to shake.
Anyone who wants nothing more than to finally get pregnant deserves all support. In fact, one often torments one’s own creepy thoughts and biting advice often enough in addition to the physical strain.
My name is Franziska Ferber and I was in the fertility treatment for many years. I had to learn that even a 20 percent probability of success means that 80 percent will not succeed. I belong to these 80 percent. Despite all my efforts, I did not have a child.
“I want to accompany women in this difficult time”
I used to work as a management consultant. After my wish for a child did not come true, I trained as a systemic coach and specialized in supporting and supporting women in this difficult time as a child wish coach .
It is time to clean up with the scary thoughts but also the bitter advice from the environment (but unfortunately often enough from doctors). It is time for these women to find support, warmth, compassion and comfort!
That’s why I’ve written two books about my experiences in the time of fertility treatment and my findings from that time: ” Our lucky number is the two ” and now ” Brave by the desire to have children “.
This excerpt from my book is about the self-doubts that plague many people when their desire to conceive is not fulfilled despite all the efforts and efforts:
“Why? What did I do wrong … Am I guilty ?!”
No, you are not to blame. No, you did not do anything wrong. Point.
There is no answer to this question.
Whatever you have done (or have not done) in your life, there is no guarantee that you will have a child.
In my world, the equation is: If there is no guarantee of success and can not give, you will not be guilty either.
As a rule, we humans need reasons to be able to accept what we have to endure more easily. For one reason, we are much easier to accept what is unchangeable as it is.
Unfortunately, it is not always the case that there is a reason for the desire to have children. And that’s because reproductive medicine and related research is actually a very new medical discipline. In 1978, the first child was born by artificial insemination – that was not so long ago. In other medical areas one has a much longer and deeper understanding of the contexts; in reproductive medicine there are, it seems to me, even more unknown than known factors. Sometimes you know what it is. Sometimes you do not know it. And that makes it so hard.
If you know a reason for something, you may have opportunities to act. Inwardly, I have often thought that I would basically want every woman a “mini-mini-diagnosis” (attention, subjunctive 🙂 ).
I often think: It would probably be best for the psyche, if it could be remedied with a small pill, which is free of side effects … whose effect but equally explains all the past and a breakpoint for the soul, for the suffered Could offer suffering. Yes, I believe that would in many cases be balm for the afflicted, suffering soul.
For all women who have no reason, the question of the WHY is overpowering. She is full of doubt – and also full of self-doubt. This question captures the lowest value level – also because we as a society have a strong sense of justice. And she activates the search for the proverbial “needle in a haystack”.
One thinks “there must be a reason – or at least something that you can DO ?!”.
And so you keep getting into it – and it’s getting harder and harder to stop. Why? Because one fears, in his search shortly before the one element, the one method, the one means, which then “the breakthrough” brings. In business administration (pardon!) They call it “sunk costs” – those who have already done so much continue on their chosen path; often enough against better knowledge.
As long as one asks oneself, where one’s own guilt lies when dealing with and enduring the desire to have a baby, we are looking for the fish in the wrong water, so long.
Okay … Perspective change:
When someone gets into trouble, we generally judge it differently than when someone gets into trouble through no fault of their own. Those in need automatically ask themselves questions of justice. And looks for his contribution.
Doctors say that there are factors that have a positive or negative impact on fertility and the chance of a healthy pregnancy. Without doubt.
Conversely, that does not mean to me that you are guilty of what you experience and endure.
YES, it is unfair that some become pregnant and others are not. And yes, injustice increases when you do your very best to create the best conditions.
The question of the WHY is overpowering and unanswerable.
Is it destiny? Is it coincidence? Is it God-willing?
Whatever your personal view is, either way it’s hard to bear being childless for no reason.
It will be an answer – possibly? probably? – never give.
At some point on the child wish journey, it may help to internally replace the WHY with a WOZU or WHICH. But to do that you have to be on your fertility trail once at the point where you are so courageous and dares to wonder how a childless (but just too satisfying!) Life could look like.
I wish you that you can find your answers! “
“Courage through the desire to have children” delivers blunt statements and thoughts from my own experience of the desire for children and from my coaching practice. This book should be soul-comforter, encouragement and power donor – loving inspiration, on the basis of which affected people can think about their own way and dealing with the desire of children. “
As Paperback and eBook / Kindle published on Amazon.
Note from the author:
“This book contains my personal experiences, I am not a doctor, but a trained systemic coach, so this book does not contain any medical recommendations, and my experience and impulses are based on the person being able to act in a self-determined manner There is no psychological guidance and counseling in this book and it does not include any promises of salvation, so if you notice that you are particularly burdened or are in depression, seek immediate psychological support. “