Love is the answer to all questions? Not quite. She also poses quite a lot. Psychologist and couple therapist Oskar Holzberg answers them all.
Is a new love really a new life? Sure, of course! But let’s not forget how the text then goes on, the Jürgen, Marcus once hailed: nananananana! Now in detail: All colors light up. The flowers smell more intense. The thought that life could feel empty and meaningless is farther away than the moon, which, by the way, is smiling particularly wisely and yearningly from heaven. In short: we are in love. Someone charming has entered our lives and enchanted the world right away. One person, just one of many, has become significant. And our organism celebrates giving out a round of its finest hormone cocktail. We are on drugs. And the reason to send us on this irresistible trip: We are in the process of forming a bond. Because we are social beings, bonding is our most important psychic need. Without bonding, we do not survive the first hours of our lives.
Also, a new love has to fight with the everyday problems at some point
In today’s civilization, however, unbound city hermits somehow get along. But good, secure relationships remain our royal road to a fulfilling life. Millions of songs celebrate the neural fireworks with which a love affair begins – and celebrate the blues with which it ends. “If you leave me now, you take the biggest part of me …” A new love is like a new life. The couple therapist Jürg Willi once realized that nothing influences our lives as positively as a satisfying love relationship – conversely, nothing as negative as an unsatisfactory one. In sum, this means that our emotional life more than anything else is determined by our love relationships. Even if after the pink infatuation the “Nananananana” The solid everyday partnership begins and we struggle for power, closeness, understanding, and autonomy. At the same time, we are threatening to repeat our learned behavioral and emotional patterns and possibly fail again in the same conflicts as before. And the chance of a new love is lost.
There is no “I” without “you” – every love means a different life
That every love is a different life is also confirmed by science. The idea of an autonomous, independent individual is an illusion, the motto “love yourself, then the others are not so important” meaningless. Deep into biological mechanisms, our awareness grows that we never exist separately from our environment. Our environment determines, which of our genes are like “clicked on”. Our brains resonate with other brains. And even the presence of a loved one alters the reactions of our organism. We are not an independent entity, but a bundle of infinite interdependencies. Most of us do not experience it consciously. But in our love relationships, we experience the magic and terror that encounter and connection trigger in us. Every love is a different life. Because we were never an I who existed without you.