Parents fall in love: that's what the kids need now

Relationship coach and BRIGITTE author Elena Sohn talked to child psychologist Dr. Claus Koch spoke.

(. When I hear the great pain to which my partner's five-year-old son is constantly exposed by missing one parent at a time, I wonder: is that really so? 1500

DR . CLAUS KOCH: Persistent conflicts between parents mean a high level of stress for children, as many scientific studies show. This stress arises because especially younger children are constantly afraid that their parents separate and they then remain alone. There are also strong allegations of loyalty and guilt – also because they take proverbs such as “If the children were not, we could split up” literally and blame ourselves for being a burden on their parents. In this respect, the research comes to the conclusion that with months or years of ongoing dispute, a separation for the children is actually better. If the parents succeed in getting to a better relationship with each other – which unfortunately is not always the case

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( To get a better deal, means: without quarrels?

Exactly, then the prognosis for her children, later to carry no separation consequences, favorable. However, if the parents continue the same after a break as before and then, for example, go to court and fight for the right of residence, the separation has brought little. Then the damage is similar to the size without separation.

271733878 But does not permanent missing of a parent also mean stress? It is crucial that parents pull together, for example by ensuring that their children regularly experience both of them in everyday situations and not just on weekends. And that they actively prevent the contact with a parent breaks off, as unfortunately is still the case too often.

940 Separations in the long term on the later life of the children? 1009 (*) experienced fainting – as adults, these people are always afraid to be rejected and not respected in their wishes. This is also the case with other children, but not so often. Happy separation children, that's my belief, there is none. But there are children of separated parents who later are happy as adults. Study results show that about two-thirds of those affected in adulthood get over it and are then similar to children from traditional families. But a third will nibble on this separation all his life. 1016 would be difficult? 11606844 For this you can get help from the outside, for example through a couple therapy or mediators.

have to stay together? 1006 For the little ones, one can still say that they can not recognize what distinguishes a couple relationship from a brother-sister relationship. That's why it's okay for them to live mum and daddy in a platonic fashion under one roof. But the bigger the children get, the better they understand the connections and then they may get the feeling that something does not feel right in their family. Such a model can only be lived with a great deal of openness and authenticity, but in no case by pretending to the children, one would still be an intact lovers.

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by which Do children suffer the most? 1018 () What parents need to understand: If the mother says about the father, the daddy is evil, then that's the worst poison. Because a child always feels as part of both parents. So if one person makes the other bad, the child feels bad and devalued.

(*) is processed worse? 11606842 (*. But that does not mean the situation will be less stressful later when the question arises: why did I never get a chance to get to know mum or dad properly? From about 4 years have children then the advantage that they no longer have existential loss fears when a parent leaves. The little ones, however, often get real dread. They think that if one parent leaves, the other one can do it at any time. 1010 ?

, continue to be there for it. That she can turn to her always and in every situation. That they both pursue the goal that the child can grow up safe. That they do not make each other bad and give the child the feeling: Your two parents are good people, and that's why you are a good person. This is scientifically proven by long-term studies.

10877600 to become helicopter parents … 1008 to do right. Often they are afraid to reject their wishes according to the motto: He or she has already experienced enough pain because of me. But that does not necessarily have anything to do with helicopter parents who do not want their children to become independent. My advice to separate parents is to free themselves from guilt by agreeing with the decision they made. Being separated as a parent when you are unhappy as a couple is legitimate – all you can do is take responsibility and make the situation as good as possible for the children. [c-16]

What do you do if the ex-partner * is having a difficult time during or after the break? 10697414

Convince him or her that this is very harmful to the child. If that does not help, you can get help from friends, family therapists or mediators. Only when nothing helps you should seek legal advice and make it clear to the child that it is not to blame

The psychologist Claus Koch heads the Pedagogical Institute in Berlin. His book "Separation Children - How to Make Parents and Their Children Happy After Separation and Divorce" will be published in August. (240 S., (*) Euro, Patmos Verlag)

Would you like to read more about the topic and talk about it with other women? Then look in the "Separation Forum" the 1003 BRIGITTE community over!

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