Porn addiction: “My wife sees that I am not bad, but sick”

Watching porn for a maximum of ten minutes at a time and then it’s really over? Like a 52-year-old trying to restore his lust to normal.

For some it is the alcohol. Or the weeding. In other games. Maybe also the food, the work or the shopping. For me it was the lust. A funny word, but it suits this greed quite well. She dominated me as a teenager, and she still did as a grown man. I could not enter a tram without immediately looking for a woman in tight clothing or a low neckline. I drove to the street and went into the Laufhaus. And I watched porn for hours, nights. I even watched porn on my mobile phone at work and masturbated on the toilet. I did not have a real longer relationship in my twenties or thirties.

Porn consumption determined my life

I am 52 years old, in my youth there was no internet. There was only one porno booklet that I found in the woods when I was twelve or thirteen. The pictures captivated me. It was something unknown, mysterious, something forbidden at that age. Years later, I cycled the track to see if I could find one again. But I never found one again. Internetpornos, on the other hand, are always there today. And they make it harder for an addict like me to get rid of addiction. I know that many just shake their heads about the term “sex and porn addiction”. But it is an addiction like any other. And so was the luck that brought them, short-lived and deceptive.

In clear moments, I tried therefore to stop. At night, after hours of porn consumption, I removed the DSL system, dumped it in the basement and swore, “Never again!” But already the next day I could not come home fast enough to assemble them again. I made a list of points like “Watching porn for at least ten minutes and masturbating quickly”. I said to myself: “I never drive to the street again.” The woman was definitely addicted to drugs, I do not want to encourage that. “ But a few days later I was there again. Sometimes I talked the addiction too nicely: “That’s the way I am, and I do not do anything bad!” I had long since lost control of my porn consumption. He determined my life.

Just as the first glass in alcoholics is the beginning of excessive drinking, my ‘first glass’ is the short view of the screen

Of course I’ve often wondered if other men are like me. How I could even get into the addiction. I was sexually abused by 15 of a man. The abuse had given me a dark shadow of shame and guilt about my sexuality. I had the feeling that every sexuality was always abusive. On the internet in 2008 I became aware of the Anonymous Sexaholics, short AS. A support group for sex addicts. It was good to talk to others about it, and after a quarter of a year, I thought I could “control it.” A misbelief.

Sexuality – whether masturbation or sleeping with a woman – was still inextricably linked to a purpose: I used it exclusively to get away, to dive down, to forget. And I could not control her. For a while, I set myself the goal of at least saving my “reputation”. At least I did not intend to go to the Laufhaus in the city where I live. I even sold my car because I could not go to the street anymore. But of course this did not lead to more control, but only to a shift in addiction. Because coming to pornography is easy, a few clicks on the keyboard enough.

Studie: Ein Pärchen nach dem Sex im Bett

So I ended up with my old patterns again. Just as the first glass in alcoholics is the beginning of excessive drinking, my "first glass" is the short view of the screen. This kind of lust is insatiable. Through them, there can be no real connection with the other person. The other person, sexuality itself, is only a means of intoxication. Although I often thought that watching porn was "just" the type or period of time, self-control was no longer possible once the "drinking spree" with the first glass had been set in motion.

When I confessed my addiction to my wife, she did not condemn me

In 2010, I met a woman. We became a couple and even moved together a year later. I believed, "Now everything is going to be fine, finally I have a partner that I love and who loves me, now I will learn to have a 'normal' sexuality." The joy of being together with another person after more than 20 years of single life actually helped me push back the addiction. But it did not last long.

Soon I got up again at night and watched porn on the phone while my wife slept next door. After a year and a half of being together, I had to admit that I was not "healed" by the relationship. In mid-2012, I decided to go back to the AS. And: I entrusted myself to my wife. When I told her that I'm now with the AS because I'm having trouble with pornography and masturbation, she said, "Glad you're doing something about it, I realized you were in a bad mood and did not know what to do was. " That she did not condemn me helped me a lot. Because shame drives only further into the addiction. Just get away, forget everything - that's the promise of every addiction that wakes you up with even more shame.

I am not a bad person who wants to become good. But I am a sick person who just wants to get well.

I joined the so-called twelve-step program at AS. The program is based on exactly the same principles as the Alcoholics Anonymous. I went to at least two meetings a week and found escorts, role models and witnesses - witnesses, first of all my suffering and then my progressive recovery.

Nevertheless, there are situations in everyday life that challenge me: I sit with my wife in a café and notice that I look directly towards a woman with a short skirt and can not hide the emerging fantasies. My wife and I have to change places. Especially difficult is the topic of couple sexuality. My wife helps me by accepting sexual abstinence. I do not want sex with my wife when lust is in the game. That my wife supports me instead of condemning me is a great help to me. And it was crucial for me to say to myself: I am not a bad person who wants to become good. But I am a sick person who just wants to get well.

With best thanks to the author of the blog meinwegausdersexsucht.info

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