Benita, 47, has not been sleeping with her partner for a long time – because he does not want to. Can one arrange with it?
At the very beginning, shortly after we got together, we slept together once or twice a week. To be honest, it was not very passionate either. I thought it had something to do with me. I thought he did not find my body attractive enough. But Jörn said, I like him that way and I should stop with the “women’s talk”. But soon we hardly slept together. To put it bluntly, sex was not what drew us together.
He just wanted to end the topic of sex
Jörn often had problems getting an erection. I can only explain this with his previous drug use, and his still-excessive consumption of alcohol. When men have trouble keeping their erection, they often do not try it anymore. Because they are too scared that it will happen again. I was understanding and told him over and over again: Never mind, darling, let’s buy Viagra . Or we try something different. Or we go to the therapist. But he did not want all that.
In fact, he did not even want to talk about it anymore and became aggressive when I came to the topic. He was not ready to work on it, either with therapies or with sexual enhancers. He just wanted to bury the subject of sex. To file. That’s what made me so disappointed. When I threatened to separate, he suggested that I could seek sex elsewhere. But he would still love me anyway, I should not forget that.
Our relationship became a good friendship
I actually split up because it was too frustrating. Then I got to know the opposite of Jörn on an online erotic portal: a man for birding, with whom I could not do anything else. He fell asleep in the cinema or laughed in the wrong place. We could never talk about movies. I missed Jörn. But I did not want a sexless relationship either. But on lonely winter evenings on the sofa I realized that I would most like to have Jörn next to me.
That’s what I finally wrote to him. He replied that he was the same. It was all very easy, we became a couple again. I quit my apartment shortly afterwards and moved to him. I knew that I did not need to talk to him about the sexual topic anymore. Everything was said there. Our relationship became more like the very close friends: We cuddle on the sofa in the evening, we cook together, go to the theater, talk about everything.
Many are just for convenience
Sometimes I am sad because I think we are too young for a platonic partnership. I had two affairs that I did not tell Jörn out of consideration. I was in love with none. On the other hand, I am in my job anyway very much on the road and have found for me that I need peace at home. As far as sexual needs are concerned, my little vibrating friend is enough for me, and sometimes I even find it pleasant that there is no man hanging around on him that causes me stress. Jörn is the best man there can be for me. The exclusion of sexuality in a relationship affects many more couples than you think.
I know many women who say: I would like to renounce our sex. Now and then they do it for the sake of their husband, but actually they are just for convenience together. Since I find our honest arrangement much more pleasant. Even if the topic will accompany me and I always have to find a way.
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