“Self-esteem can be learned!” – Stefanie Stahl in an interview

Our childhood shapes what we think about ourselves. But not forever. Stefanie Stahl explains how we learn to live with old wounds and why we are often better off emotionally than we think.

(! They rest in their hearts, know their own limits and can take good care of themselves. And then there are the others who are cross with themselves, constantly underestimating, exploiting, doubting themselves. How does that happen?

427986Stole: What assumptions we develop about ourselves arises from the interaction with our environment, first of all with our parents. How they reflect us, whether we see in their eyes enthusiasm or rejection, that shapes our later self-image. These assumptions are the answer to our first question: are we worth caring about and being loved? There are parents who are not able to do this, for example because they are very stressed or have experienced unkindness. In the worst case, we then grow up with messages like: I'm not worth anything, not wanted, or, worse, I have no right to live. A child can not classify and say, “Ah, Mom or Dad has a binding disorder,” but it's all unfiltered. Such people also lack the basic experience of self-efficacy. And that makes a newborn for the first time when it realizes: I scream, and then someone comes to take care of me. This creates the important basic trust, the assumption that the world means well with me.

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And if the relationships are largely loving?

For me it's not about to say: The parents are to blame for everything. But because it is really important to deal with his early imprints. 10877600 have experienced secure bonding?

Very important basic mental needs are attachment and autonomy. We want to be accepted, to feel belonging, to be cared for, but also to experience that we can influence, so our needs have value and be heard. If parents manage to create that balance between attachment and autonomy, then that's a very good basis for a good relationship with yourself that lasts for life. This does not have to be the storybook family with mother, father and siblings, and it does not have to be perfect all the time. Good enough.

And then the good feeling is unshakable for ourselves? Even later in life, things happen that scratch our self-worth – bullying, separations, failures … falls on the muzzle. But people with a good psychic background simply recover faster, are more resilient, and their self-doubts are not so deep. A difficult childhood is like a wound that never heals completely, and external events repeatedly throw salt into it. These can then be small occasions, such as when colleagues do not congratulate on their birthday. Anyone who does not carry this wound with them, such experiences just do not go so much under the skin. One is not unshakable, but also does not have this willingness to be hurt. (*)

Yes, there is a way out: to no longer identify with the beliefs of his parents. This is the basis of every change: Stepping out of the way and thinking: what have you taught me, what messages have been harmful to me. When I internalize a sentence like “I'm not enough,” it says less about me than about my parents' parenting ideas. So we should look at the package that they gave us objectively and separate: Actually, I was born as a normal child, and if my caregivers had accepted me lovingly, today I would have a better relationship with myself Incidentally, I do not like to talk about self-love, that's such a big word.

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Acceptance. I may exist, I have the same rights as the others and I am worth no less than they. I'm in favor of me 10919078 (? After all, the educational styles have changed enormously in the last few decades.

But it is true, the feeling for oneself, the self-reflection is more pronounced among the younger ones today than in the generation of their parents, also with the men. I think that's a good development. Older readers of my books sometimes come up to me and say: man, if I have (*)

depression, relationship problems, fears. Some people develop an excessive pursuit of perfection, exhaust themselves until burnout. Others are over-adjusted, anxiously striving for harmony, barely daring to express their opinions. Others have the opposite strategy: “You can do me all the time, I do my own thing, the main thing, I never feel inferior again.” Addictive behavior can also have such roots, but addiction also has a lot to do with habits and opportunities. But you can already say:

Self-esteem is the epicenter of all mental health problems.

but also inborn differences. 427986 not so good. And others, who stand in permanent contact despite loving childhood. Also, a large part of our personality is genetically determined: Extroverted people, for example, are more likely to get help in difficult situations and to trust others, are more willing to take risks, and often also more optimistic. This does not per se help them to have a better relationship with themselves, but they often develop more favorable coping strategies. 32768

Society needs different types of personalities, including those who are hesitant, thoughtful and risk-conscious. 992504 more from the outside?

But, because we are social beings. And that has an important function, because if we did not care what others think of us, we would not be adaptable. Nature has given us the feeling of shame to make us sociable.

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In recent years, especially in politics, we have more often to do with such a human type … Big misunderstanding: When we talk about a tangible, narcissistic personality disorder, not just occasional size fantasies like her Almost every person knows, then we see the exact opposite of healthy self-esteem! These are usually people who have experienced so much rejection as children that they learned early to overcompensate. They make a big-self, which they kind of put over their little self, and nourish it, in which they try to be the best in everything: incredibly good-looking, incredibly ambitious. Combined with a high willingness to devalue everyone else. This makes dealing with them so difficult.

Coincidence that you say “the best” – or are there actually more male than female narcissists?

That's what I'm expecting. And not only the loud, rumbling kind, but it also gives it in a quiet form, for example, as an intellectual Schnösel. In my opinion, the feminine form of narcissism is hysteria. The drama queen, who always has a lot to tell, but is also very demanding and exhausting and can not stand criticism. one?

as imperfect as they are. While the second see mistakes in oneself that others do not perceive, and live in constant fear: I must not make mistakes! But the quest for perfection is like a hamster wheel, it turns to exhaustion. Even in crisis situations, you realize this: People with relatively stable self-esteem are just as hurt and disappointed when, for example, a love fails, they do not get a job, their people are careless with them, but they do not fall into the bottomless or for not so long time .

Oh, we can not do without comparisons. Only then can we determine who we are. And we also have this need for recognition and self-esteem, which goes along with it. But people with stable self-esteem do not constantly pull themselves down by comparing to seemingly more successful ones. Get likes for his vacation pictures, my colleague or me … 992504 (. This is just a new medium. We used to compare ourselves in the schoolyard, that was no better, on the contrary, there was no avoidance – someone who did not comply with the applicable norms or ideals of beauty was mercilessly marginalized. Today almost everyone on the net can find their niche and like-minded people. Besides, it's a question of who I compare to. Of course I get depressed when I constantly look at the Instagram pictures of top models. But I can also shrug my shoulders and say: Okay, I do not look like Toni Garrn. This is also under the keyword “Body Positivity “Celebrated on the Net: Women beyond conventional beauty ideals are self-confident in scene. Can this work as self-therapy? 11670162 However, such a thing can also tilt in a defiance reaction, an overcompensation: So, world, there you have my body, come on. How much the self-esteem is linked to the exterior, but also depends on how much you define it.

has other mental legs?

I would rather speak of contingents that make up it It can be parenting, friendship, a happy love relationship, your own body – and everything you do with passion that has to do with success and appreciation. Playing the violin, writing, sports, and of course professional success. You are less offensive in those areas where you really are convinced of yourself. 10877600

Not a few careers dine, for example, from an urgent need for recognition. Especially people who are in the public eye, take a lot on itself, and behind it is often a strong need for recognition. A strong power struggle is usually a compensation for feelings of inferiority. The motive behind it is not uncommon that someone felt very powerless in his childhood and would like to heal this injury.

* The dating app Tinder is currently promoting pictures of singles who are so happy with themselves that they do not long for a partner. Do young people in particular find themselves so successful today that they can no longer engage with another human being?

I do not experience adolescents and young people as egoists who are incapable of binding; on the contrary, they bind themselves even earlier and stay together longer than before (), 30 Years, that's almost stuffy. Of course, there are also other relationship models, open relationships, but they existed before (*) years at the 20 s. Basically: Do we have to love ourselves to love another person? Sounds conclusive, but I would not be so strict. In addition, I have dealt with too many people who are not bursting with self-confidence and still have fulfilling relationships. But clearly, a lack of self-esteem is often reflected in the relationship quality. Jealousy, attachment anxiety, a constant desire to be cared for, increased agility, sexual aversion or even infidelity often have something to do with a low self-esteem of those affected. Or you see the partner, the partner as an extended arm of your own self, then he or she must be perfect, extremely presentable, and every smallest mistake is punished.

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