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Timo so far it did not work. Here Timo tells how it feels for him.
We are surrounded – by couples with children
We are surrounded: Our cleaning lady got a son in her twenties, Sarah's business partner has become a mother, my young workmate father. The Dogwalker who performs our Theo? In the seventh month!
The twenty-man Whatsapp group of my childhood friends – constantly writing about their children. My five year younger brother invites to the baptism of his second son, Sarah's three nieces waving from the wall calendar, in the kitchen stacked welcome cards from overjoyed new parents and the children's shop next door, we have long been a flatrate on burp cloth gift boxes.
Not even the TV provides variety: Also in the third season of Handmaid's Tale turns everything – we could have guessed – to fertility. And ()
We try not to become paranoid helicopter parents without offspring
And we? Panting for almost three years, the strange euphemistic term “ desire for children Becoming a paranoid helicopter parent. No! A massage a week, a bit of acupuncture and two glasses of orange juice daily do not make pregnant – so much may I tell at this point.
But if only one-tenth of the well-intentioned advice from family and friends confirmed, we would be with a dash of calm and two tablespoons of confidence long since seven-fold parents …
The other day I have a The marketing-inflated title “If I still see a happy mummy, I have to puke” I think stupid, I can understand this idea now but very well to the honest joy of the happiness of others joins quickly and reliably a short moment of anger I do not want that, but every new earthly citizen in the circle of friends and acquaintances also gives me a strong stab in the abdomen – I can not and do not want to get used to it.
Those who can not get children will become a deficiency copy
Said fertility author immediately became the victim of a shitstorm, which one with “Karma strikes back – who speaks so must not be surprised that he or she never becomes pregnant – could summarize an emotionally comprehensible reaction that reveals the essence of the topic: Who in our society can not or does not have children, is to blame and therefore a jealous man gelexemplar.
That sounds hard and yet it is, at least my experience, part of the truth. Artificial insemination is perhaps one of the last true taboo topics of our day. Those affected should hide better and be ashamed: I'm pregnant, so I am! Am I not, can not I be like that? And yet: Sarah and I would love to be pregnant! Not because of alleged defects, social pressure or too much boredom. But because we love each other, love children so much, and wish us offspring from the bottom of our hearts for our little family.
Men still define themselves as “white gold”
The cowboys are history, only gentleman is not enough anymore and whining pop-poets want women at most times Instagram or Sing my song! The role of the man is in the balance, a gender seeks his (new) identity. But men still define themselves as one thing over and over again: sperm – the white gold …
I still remember how, at the age of fourteen, I got a ball into the soft parts of basketball : The episode was my first spermiogram. And that was excellent. The sentence of the urologist: “You have not only extraordinarily many, but also exceptionally fast sperm!” I then celebrated with friends and my father downright.
In the meantime I have, as part of our fertility treatment , have two more “ejaculate analyzes” done. They too turned out well, though not as brightly as they did twenty years ago. Man is getting older. And here, too, the urologist appealed to my virility, quickly prescribed a special antibiotic for sure – and sure enough, said goodbye to me with the unctuous words:
Ran da, a man like you – that just has to work!
Thank God my sperm is okay! One of the rules of thumb for every fertility treatment. Because deficient sperm in the sense of fertilization are much more difficult to regulate than insufficient hormone levels in women. There is no blame here and there – but rather biology, medicine and mathematics. And what about erotica? The waiting outside …
Insemination, artificial insemination – so far without success
For us it was first, Sarah's corpus luteum hormone levels are too bad. They were then medicated. Then we made three inseminations and two artificial inseminations – all without success. The last attempt ended even before the egg and sperm were brought outside the body. A punch in the stomach! Then we took a longer break, gathered. Now we start into the final sprint, we want to know it again.
“Idiopathic reasons” would have drunk our unfulfilled wish for a child more than two years: All values are okay per se , actually it should work. “Let's get loose, fire free, full throttle, do not be so head!” The – “and now not think of a pink elephant” – method … Now after about two years comes out: In our treatment was at least the one or the other method failed. And suddenly Sarah's AMH values are too bad. This was never mentioned before. We still have to believe it.
Others fly to New Zealand, we invest in hormones
In the fertility treatment you do not just give an incredible amount Power and money, you should also remain a bit naive. Eyes up and through: While others are flying to New Zealand Car gain, we invest in countless hormones. As a rule, you go to the doctor because you want to get something away. We – and so many other patients with us in the waiting rooms – accept the step into the fertility clinic and the entry into a world of purpose-optimism and business. In addition, we know the chances of success and statistics – who is in a child wish and hears about thousands of parameters that must all come together and vote, it is surprising that even people are pregnant. Especially from mid / late thirties. *
But most of our doctors took us along well on this long journey, peppered with terms like ICSI, Cryo, IVF and many more. And yet, a piece of trust has now been lost. That's why we changed the doctor again for our final spurt. The procedure remains the same, we are meanwhile “old hands” in the fertility business.
As always it goes out – I love and admire my wife more than ever
For all powerlessness, all anxiety, all anger and shame. Some moments on our long journey will accompany me all my life, eliciting a small smile: how I first came to the delivery room, armed with tubes and after the obligatory urinating in the anteroom, crawling on an artificial leather armchair. Kilo-recycled kitchen roll and a 3-liter spray disinfectant. In front of me a mini-screen with age-old porn and a bunch of tattered playboys from the nineties. And outside the door, my colleagues were waiting to pick me up for work with the engine running. In such moments one becomes aware of one's own finiteness in a partly humorous way.
It is clear: The man is, as in a pregnancy, even with the desire for children usually only guiltily wrong.
I think, thanks to this path, I love Sarah again differently and more intensively than before. How she hunts up to three hormone injections daily into the stomach fold. How grateful she smiles at me when I pick her up after taking an egg with a goodybag on the recovery room. What kind of pain she is suffering with abdominal reflections. What disgusting Chinese teas she has to throw in the acupuncture – out of pity, I have also drunk a single cup. And and and. I admire my wife for this patience, this imperturbable, this confidence.
VIDEO TIP: Timo and Sarah let you participate in the great video series “Parents Like Us” for one year in their life with the desire to have children!
We both can do it all because we believe in ourselves. Because we hold on and do not cramp. Because we are sometimes very sad, but not desperate. Because we are focused, but not dogged. And even if our final spurt should not be crowned with “success”. If we have given up the wish first, since almost all friends and family members are safe, then it works with the necessary distance anyway. One hundred percent!
Timo (540 ) lives with Sarah ((*)) in Hamburg. The two have been married for seven years and happily married for five years. After the wedding, the master plan, child (s) and dog should follow. Irish Setter Theo has been loyal to her side for two and a half years, but with the offspring, unfortunately, it has not worked out yet. That's why they have been in fertility treatment for about three years. Both are busy a lot on the job: Sarah, managing director of her young start-up, makes married couples happy and sometimes even marries them. Timo realizes reports and documentaries and also meets many exciting people on his travels.