You want a child, just does not it just work? An unfulfilled desire for children is very stressful. What causes and what you can do, you will find out here.
Many couples in Germany remain unintentionally childless. The reasons are manifold, but they all have one thing in common: the road to the certainty that there will be no biological child is hard, often a psychic act of strength and, above all, a test of the relationship. Hormone therapies, sex by appointment and then again the disillusionment, while you think to see around only baby bellies.
Unfulfilled desire for children? Own fault?
An unfulfilled desire for children is still a topic that is not talked about. A taboo – after all, you do not want to get close to anyone. There is a lack of openness and experience. Before you say something wrong, you better keep your mouth shut. Unfortunately, clumsy, insensitive or cheeky comments are not uncommon when an unfulfilled desire for children is addressed. Reproductive medicine is still suspicious eyes, the couples stigmatized : Something must not agree with those, if it does not work naturally.
Especially women are asked from a certain age completely unabashed for baby plans and suspicious eyeing, whether there is now not slowly but once a baby belly signs. No one knows how long she may have been trying and what path of suffering is behind it.
Sometimes it just takes longer …
If the desire to have a baby is initially unfulfilled and the woman does not become pregnant, there can be various causes that can be clarified and often treated with the help of various examinations. The good news is that sooner or later, almost all couples who want to have children have a baby in their arms . Nevertheless, in Germany, unfortunately, five percent of all couples remain childless even after a fertility treatment. The chances of success for ICSI, for example, are only 1: 5.
The causes of childlessness are manifold
Even if it does not work for months: There must be no infertility behind it. In both men (sterility) and women, intermittent infertility can occur in phases – triggered by unhealthy lifestyles (smoking, alcohol, drugs), poor diet or disease . Different factors can play a role here. What is not medically proven, however, is that our state of mind or even a lot of stress has an influence on our fertility. A fact of many couples certainly takes a lot of pressure.
If the desire to have children remains unfulfilled even after a long time, biological causes should be investigated.
Causes of infertility in women:
- Polycystic ovary syndrome
- Luteal weakness
- a disturbed hormone balance due to stress or illness, for example
- an untreated Chlamydia infection
- Disorders of ovarian functions
- Lack of ovulation (anovulation)
- The age of the woman
- Hormonal disorders of the pituitary, thyroid or adrenal cortex
Causes of infertility in men:
- Anatomical problems
- insufficient sperm quality
- chromosome disorders
- hormonal imbalances
- previous infections (like mumps)
Diagnostics – What is done?
- Determining if ovulation occurs
- Assessment of sperm quality
- Checking the patency of the fallopian tubes
In addition, the hormone status in the woman’s blood is determined, a microbiological examination is carried out in cases of suspected genital infection and the patency of the fallopian tubes is checked. In the male, the external genitalia and sperm quality are examined.
When does an unfulfilled desire for a baby become sterility?
If there is no pregnancy after two years of regular sexual intercourse (about twice a week), one speaks of sterility, according to the WHO. There are two types:
- Primary Sterility: The woman has never been pregnant or the man has not yet conceived a child
- Secondary sterility: The woman was already pregnant, but the second time she just does not want to work
How much waiting time is normal for unfulfilled children?
Even if it’s really a long time, a one-year waiting period is a normal period from a medical point of view, until it works. However, the couple’s age and medical history also play a crucial role here. For example, women up to the age of 35 are advised to speak with the gynecologist after one year. Women who are older should better be examined after half a year. The reason: If a fertility treatment comes into question, the chances are better, the younger the woman is.
Fertility treatment: These possibilities exist
If the reason for an unfulfilled desire to have children is a disruption of the hormone balance, it can be treated with natural or synthetic hormones.
If the quality of the sperm of the man is the reason for the lack of pregnancy, this specially prepared can be introduced directly into the uterus
In Vitro Fertilization (IFV)
Here, after a hormone treatment, oocytes are taken from the woman and brought together in the Petri dish with the sperm of the man, where it is then to come to a natural fertilization. The resulting embryos are inserted into the uterus after a few days.
Intracytoplasmic Sperm Injection ( ICSI )
Similar to IVF, egg cells are also removed from the ICSI after hormone treatment and brought together with sperm. The only difference is that a sperm is injected directly into the egg. This method is mainly used when there is a limited quality and motility of sperm cells.
Since an IVF or ICSI often fertilizes more eggs than are needed for the treatment, they can be donated since August 2013, so that other couples have the opportunity to have a baby.
Egg donation and surrogacy abroad
In some European and international countries couples with an unfulfilled wish to have children are offered more options than is possible in Germany through the Embryo Protection Act.
For example, in egg donation , the donated egg is artificially fertilized with the sperm of the partner. The costs amount to 4,000 to 9,000 euros.
Surrogacy is also allowed in some countries. Couples who can not support their child by natural means can become parents of their biological child with a surrogate mother. However, the legal situation is problematic: For not the couple, but the woman who bore and bore the child is legally the mother of the child.
How to deal with an unfulfilled desire to have a baby?
Fertility treatment is expensive . The health insurances cover the costs only proportionally in different amounts and only up to the fourth attempt. If it did not work out then, couples have to pay for further attempts out of their own pockets. Especially for couples with low or middle income, however, it is hardly feasible to pay the high financial burden of a fertility treatment of a few thousand euros themselves. In addition: There is no guarantee of success, if it really works.
At the same time, the treatment in a fertility practice does not only put a strain on finances, but also puts the partnership to the test . The constant examinations, the side effects of the drugs and the emotional chaos of hope and anxiety are very stressful. Support from a psychologist can then be very helpful
Unfulfilled desire for children: What if you tried everything?
If after years of treatment at the end only disappointment is, eventually reached the point at which you have to give up the desire to have one day . That hurts! How will that be when I am one day old and have no family? How can one bear it when friends gradually start families and one stays outside one’s self? How does one endure the yearning for a child?
- Take other perspectives to get rid of the tunnel vision: to create new images of yourself as a couple, the future and your own self-image.
- Some help a project, a new task , to which one dedicates his time and energy and creates the distraction.
- Others need a lot of conversation or professional counseling, such as psychotherapeutic sessions, to deal with the pain.
- Feelings of anger, grief and disappointment may be there.
- And above all, it takes time .